Introduction

Before I begin, let me just say that within the last several days, I have become acutely aware of a deep triggering system that I use with others: the one where I display my vulnerability and need and they are triggered to respond with empathy and nurturing or protection and provision.  It's how human beings inter-connect and survive.  At low levels of development, it is absolutely necessary.  And when my survival is threatened, it's a very irritating dilemma trying to transcend that system.  Developmentally, I'm ready to move on.  But not physically.  So, I'm stuck with a puzzle of practicality.  I won't be able to get anyone else's help with this, I don't think, because I don't know of anyone else who really sees the entire dilemma.  And certainly there is no one else with my exact limitations and triggering tolerance levels.  So, I will have to make this up as I go along - and all alone. 

Crap!

I'm looking out from the window of my Mother's house where I'm staying and seeing the beautiful sunflowers in the guy's yard across the street.  That's free, ya know: looking at someone else's sunflowers.  There are many beautiful gardens in this town that cost nothing to look at.  I have a feeling I'll be getting alot more free stuff like that soon.  When I had a car I never got free stuff like that.  And even when I'm on my bike, I always have someplace important to go (otherwise I wouldn't be out there on my bike) so I'm too focused on my destination to get it.  Now that I will have hours of time on my bike without a destination... 

I have a mental illness.  The guy who comes up from the city to do profiles for the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation gave me the gift of a diagnosis that is sure to get me alot of financial assistance.  Borderline Personality Disorder.  It's enigmatic, destructive, persistent, and unlikely to get better any time soon.  Thanks, man.  So, I'm plugging into all the housing and public assistance systems I can right now in preparation for becoming homeless, and it's working pretty good. 

However.

BPD is such a scary label to some people that it's almost impossible to build fulfilling relationships with others.  As soon as they hear it, many turn tail and run.  And if they don't, they simply put you in a category and there you'll stay in their minds from that day forth.  They will always watch your behavior with an eye for the symptoms, and judge every move you make.  They'll never trust you with their vulnerabilities or important work.  You've been taxonomized.

And again, however.

My own personal assessment is that I do not have BPD.  I have an Attachment Disorder.  The difference at my age, may seem negligible.  But it isn't to me.  Because I'm not really in my 40's inside.  I have several Personas who are still about 4 years old.  And 4-year-olds do not have Borderline Personality Disorder.  They have Attachment Disorders, which if left untreated, eventually get labeled other things like several of the various "Personality Disorders".  I can't find the list at the moment.  Maybe later. 

Once again, however, not believing the diagnosis is listed as one of the symptoms of BPD.  So how is that not a Catch 22?  Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean....

So!  Here I sit in this room.  Typing on my pc which will soon be going into storage indefinitely.  And this room will become empty.  I have spoken of it as "My Room" for a year now.  But I don't feel like doing that anymore.  I'm trying to empower myself for making this transition by running headlong into the oncoming train of "Homelessness".  It's gonna get me regardless.  I might as well make as big a dent in the front end as I can.

I have so much to say about all this.  But I have to get ready for work. 

Thank you, zaadz, for letting me chronicle this season in my life.  I hope it will pass quickly.  The homelessness part, that is.